Although it is common in relationships, controlling jealousy is important.
We all know that jealousy is not rare in relationships and even often proved to be beneficial. Jealousy can be useful by bringing the two parties in relationships closer and rekindling the fire of love between them.
But the overdose of it can be lethal. Excessive amount of jealousy can kill every relationship, even the most ideal one.
Therefore, controlling jealousy is vital. We will jeopardize our relationship instead of keeping it intact if we let the strong feeling of jealousy overrun us. But how to control such a strong emotion? Many have failed and fell to its trap.
Actually, you don’t have to fall into the same pit and jeopardizing your precious relationship if you’re equipped with the proper knowledge and understanding.
Knowledge is power. So, controlling jealousy will be much easier if we can can know and understand the nature of jealousy and the root of our jealousy.
The Nature of Jealousy
Almost all people who have jealousy problems in romantic relationships feel that they are entitled for that feeling – even though there is no proof supporting their jealousy/suspicion.
It does not rarely happen where a jealous partner put the worst spin on everything that happens. For her, the cause of her jealousy is always the other(s), either her partner in the relationship or someone else who she suspects of trying to arrogate her love partner.
In all cases, however, the root of her jealousy is not mainly in her partner’s or others’ faults, but in her fear.
It’s not that fear is bad. No, not at all. Fear is part of our existence that we inherit from our ancestors to help us survive. Fear – as long as it is reasonable – is good.
But if it is baseless, or based only on prejudice and distrusts as happened so many times in romantic jealousy, it will do more harm than good. Still, either the fear or suspicion valid or imaginary, it feels very real to the jealous person. Controlling jealousy will not fare well unless this fear factor be handled properly.
So, what’s the first thing to do in coping with jealousy? You guessed right: overcoming your fear!
Controlling Jealousy – First Thing First
But before everything else, you need to acknowledge first that you have that jealousy problem. Unless you do this, you’ll never be able to address and overcome your jealousy the way it should be.
It doesn’t matter whether your fear or suspicion based on truths or real evidence or not. You must admit that you have that jealousy problem that you need to overcome in order to be able to deal with it successfully. Only after taking this step you may go into the further steps.
After acknowledging your jealousy problem, then you may want to verify if your fear and suspicion are valid or not. Do so if you want, but I won’t recommend you to stalk him/her or pry on your partner’s laptop or email. That’s demeaning!
Moreover, it would mean violation to his/her privacy and would make the situation worse if later he found out about it, especially if he is innocent of what you “accused” him for.
The only way I can suggest you to do to verify your suspicion is by talking to him. Arrange a heart-to-heart conversation with him and tell him what you feel and what you have in mind. Tell him about your jealousy and suspicion and listen to what he has to say.
Generally, when we are jealous, we often try to hide our feelings from our partner. But ignoring emotions like that hardly ever works. It won’t help in controlling jealousy. It will make our jealousy get stronger and takes over us instead, making us do and say things that we will regret later.
Therefore, whenever possible, speak of it with your partner. Don’t wait until you’re at a breaking point.
If you can talk directly to your spouse or partner about it, you will be less likely to act in ways that can create more distance and distrust. In fact, you both will feel closer to each other.
But talk in constructive manner. Don’t attack or blame your partner or spouse because of your jealousy. Rather, explain to him/her about how you feel, for example, “Sometimes this jealousy gets over me so much… I don’t like feeling this way…”.
If you can do that the right way, he will most likely give you reassurance that you need. His reassurance, together with his patience and understanding, will help you a lot in controlling jealousy and will make that jealousy feeling disappear over time.
If necessary, ask him to help you in controlling jealousy by not doing or saying things that can trigger your jealousy. If he loves you enough, he will listen to you, appreciate your feeling and do whatever he can to help you overcoming your jealousy.
From this step, you should be able to solve half of the problem. Whether he tells the truth or not, it’s not your concern yet. Unless you can prove it otherwise, accept what he says for now. It’s part of your learning process anyway, to learn to trust. Anyhow, relationship without trust will not bring happiness to both of you.
But, how if it is impossible to have that intimate talking with your spouse or partner? As we know, some people (mostly men) have difficult time listening to their partners or spouses discussing their problems, or are simply not comfortable with such topics about relationship.
If this is your case, then you must try harder to work on yourself to stop being negative, be more positive and optimistic and then continue to the next steps on the next page.
Controlling Jealousy – The Next Steps
I assume you both have done the heart-to-heart talk part. Now it’s time to fix whatever it is that needed to be fixed in you. And here are the steps:
Work on your fear
Because fear is always the root of every jealousy, then the first thing you have to deal with is your fear. Look inside your heart and find out, what it is that makes you jealous. Is it fear of being dump because of more beautiful or more sexy “rival”? Or fear of him become more inclined to be with her instead of you?
Try to interpret events differently
A jealous partner tend to spin events in the worst way possible. If her partner doesn’t return her call, for instance, she may think of him as being with another woman instead of thinking that his hand-phone battery dies and needs to be recharged.
Realize that in any relationship, a lot of things that happen are ambiguous and can be interpreted in many ways. Instead of sticking onto the worst scenario, you’d better think on other more positive one and hold on it.
Controlling jealousy require you to discipline your mind to think in a more positive and optimistic way.
If you have any intention to get even, stop it!
Remember, your suspicion has not been proved to be true yet. It’s based on nothing but your jealousy. So, throw away your plan to make your partner “learn a lesson”.
Don’t make things worse by flirting with other man/woman to make your partner jealous or to make him/her “aware” of how awful it is to feel jealous. It won’t help in your effort to controlling jealousy.
Build your self-esteem
Overcoming jealousy needs more positive self-esteem. Your opinion on yourself will be reflected onto your relation with others.
If you have low self-esteem, you will never feel safe in your relationships because you’ll always think that you’re not good enough or not attractive enough to make your partner attached to you.
Realize that you deserve the relationship you desire and that you are worthy of respect. You might not be perfect, but nobody’s perfect either. Self esteem and self confidence are very important in your efforts to controlling jealousy.
Change your view on relationship
Realize that relationships are not meant to be codependent. Healthy relationships are those which comprise of two whole individuals with their separate as well as joint interests.
You don’t have to do everything with him nor to spend every second with him.In addition, if you’re always together every minute, won’t you two run out of things to talk about? Trust me, that magic of love will disappear, fast, that way!
Learn to trust
In dealing with jealousy, you must be willing to learn to trust.
Relationship is a choice. In most cases, the person who is with you would not choose to be with you if he didn’t want to be.
Trust is the foundation of any good relationship. Without trust, no relationship will bring joy and happiness to the ones in it.
If it seems that you can’t muster it, consider this before you give in to the urge to interrogate him: is the problem that you really don’t trust yourself?
Improve the quality of yourself to make you feel more positive about yourself. Learn new things, join clubs of your interests or whatever.
Make yourself busy so that you won’t have too much time for musing and mind wandering. Doing some sports can help you boost your self-confidence as well as self esteem.
Never ever make hasty judgment/decision
Whatever you hear or think about him, never ever use it as basis for any important decision. Remember that you have issues with trusts and self-confidence that can bias your judgments.
Remember also that you might not know everything needed to make a sound judgment and that you’re still in the process of controlling jealousy. So, never ever make hasty judgment/decision regarding your relationship with him.
Controlling Jealousy – Emergency Exit
How if you can’t stand it anymore of his, for example, flirtatious habit? If, even after the heart-to-heart talk, he doesn’t change – or simply refuses to change – then make a good use of this ancient wisdom: “The way out is through the door”.